I Hate Myself
by Writer Of Worlds
Summary: Shadow hated himself. He failed to protect Maria, and he had lost his memory of why he was created. When he was ready to end it all, a certain "faker" stopped him...rated for attempted suicide, death, and blood. Implied Sonadow.


**Title: I Hate Myself**

 **Fandom: Sonic the Hedgehog**

 **Rating: T**

 **Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Summary: Shadow hated himself. He failed to protect Maria, and he had lost his memory of why he was created. When he was ready to end it all, a certain "faker" stopped him...rated for attempted suicide, death, and blood. Implied Sonadow.**

 **Pairing: Sonic x Shadow**

 **A/N: For those of you who are reading this and had known me in the Super Smash Bros. fandom, well...I have a confession to make. Sonadow...oh GOD Sonadow...was my first slash pairing, ever since I was eleven years old. That was what got me into slash in the first place, and I still wrote slash ships to this day. I decided to rekindle my love to this old OTP I liked as a kid, so here you go. Also, shameless advertising (though I'm ashamed of the story itself), I'm the author who wrote Sara's Story, years ago. I'm still ashamed of that story, but...feel free to read that if you like. It was the only Sonic story till now that I wrote anyway. Also note that I hadn't written or read much of Sonic since...oh lord, I don't know, years...so forgive me if there are any inconsistencies. Playing it by memory here.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in Sonic.**

 **ENJOY!**

* * *

 **I Hate Myself**

 _I hate myself...I hate myself..._

Those three words still haunted him after fifty years of being trapped in the Colony ARK. He remembered— _remembered—_ his best friend's death. He promised the Professor to protect her. He had _promised_. Yet...she was gone. She had saved his life by pushing him out of harm's way, and she was shot by those bastards—those damn humans—in such a heartless manner that it turned his stomach around. He still remembered the crimson blood, the tears going down her face as she groaned in pain. However, despite facing death straight in the face, she smiled at _him_ , as if telling him that everything was going to be okay. That smile haunted him forever, and it would never go away no matter how many times he tried to get rid of it from his thoughts.

He screamed her name as he was suddenly trapped in a glass tube. Maria—oh _God_ that name would be embedded in his mind—smiled slightly as she reached for the switch. "Shadow...please...promise me...protect humankind...for me..."

"Maria..." he gasped as he banged the glass. He couldn't just _leave_ her here, bleeding to death. He'd promised Professor Gerald to protect her. She was his only friend—someone he valued so much—yet he could do nothing to save her life. All he could do was watch as Maria gripped the switch with one bloody, shaky hand.

"Sayonara...Shadow the Hedgehog..."

"MARIA!"

Those were her last words, and as soon as she pulled the switch down, she collapsed on the ground, lifeless as blood quickly pooled around her body. The tube that contained him was sent to outer space, and Shadow had _no_ idea where he was going…

 _I hate myself...I hate myself…_

He smirked as he gripped the Chaos Emerald tightly, and he held it up for all to see. His grin grew wider as the Emerald shined between his fingers. Finally. He had the power to eliminate the humans who had took his sweet Maria. Soon, all humans would be _dead_."This..." he muttered. "Is the source of my true power..."

"That's a Chaos Emerald!" he heard a voice gasp.

He looked down from the robot, and his eyes widened. A hedgehog with a similar appearance walked towards the decimated robot that Shadow was standing on, his teeth gritting. Shadow studied the hedgehog, realizing that aside from the color of his fur and shoes, he looked...just like him. However, he paid no mind to that—he had other business to attend to, and that hedgehog would _not_ get in his way.

"CHAOS..." Shadow cried, and a flash of light surrounded the black hedgehog. The blue hedgehog covered his eyes with his hands in an attempt to not be blinded by the light. "CONTROL!"

With that, Shadow had disappeared to a new location, leaving Sonic all alone.

 _I hate myself...I hate myself…_

He didn't remember anything besides his name and his past. In fact, he didn't remember how he _got_ there. He remembered Maria—God, even though he had developed amnesia, she continued to haunt him—and how she was killed, and the fact that he was created for...some reason. He didn't remember his purpose at _all._ He wondered if he even _had_ a purpose.

He was released from the pod that contained him, and as soon as he opened his eyes, shots were heard. Shadow's eyes widened, flashbacks appearing in his mind of Maria getting shot. However, upon seeing Rouge—how did he remember that bat?—in the crossfire, he jumped out of the pod and pushed her out of harm's way. When Rouge hit the ground, Shadow got up on his feet as he whispered, "Stay here."

Soon, a battle against a red robot began, though it was brief as Rouge stopped the fighting. Soon enough, they decided to have a truce and hunt for Eggman. As he traveled with Omega and Rouge, that one thought replayed in his mind: _who am I?_

 _I hate myself...I hate myself…_

"That blue hedgehog..." Shadow gasped, recognizing the hedgehog running below him and his teammates. For some reason, he remembered this hedgehog who looked _just_ like him. But his mind was fuzzy. Who _was_ he?

Apparently, the blue hedgehog's two friends, a fox with two tails and a red echidna, spotted the three. The blue hedgehog stopped as he turned to face his two comrades before he looked up. His emerald eyes met Shadow's ruby eyes, and he gasped. "Isn't that...Shadow?"

"...How do you know my name? Who are you? Why do you look like me?"

The blue hedgehog raised a brow, as if wondering why Shadow was asking so many questions. He and Shadow had teamed up to stop the Biohazard from destroying the world, yet Shadow appeared to have no recollection of that event.

After a heated talk between his teammates and the blue hedgehog's teammates, Shadow and Sonic duked it out, ready to fight for "old times' sake" (as Sonic had dubbed it).

That was when he saw something else in Sonic, though he said nothing as he and his team emerged victorious.

 _I hate myself...I hate myself..._

"Hey Shadow! Long time no see!"

Upon hearing the annoying blue hedgehog, Shadow sighed. He had followed Black Doom into the city, and that damn hedgehog was waiting there, as if he was expecting him. Sonic had his annoyingly trademark grin on his face as he held out a thumbs up to him. "Seems like these monsters are trying to destroy the city! How about we team up and stop them?"

Shadow was taken aback by Sonic's offer. Of course, this Black Doom had said that he could unlock his memories, yet...for some reason, he didn't want to refuse the other hedgehog's offer. With a sigh, he nodded. If anything, perhaps _Sonic_ could fill in what had happened before his memory was wiped out.

As the two ran through the burning city, killing the black monsters along the way, Shadow heard a cry of pain from the side of him. He gasped, gripping the street sign he took out from the ground to use as a weapon. He recognized it. It was Sonic's cry. It sounded like he was in danger.

When he turned to see what was going on, he saw Sonic on the ground, blood seeping out from his leg. One of the monsters had incapacitated him, and it was about to finish him off. Sonic's face had a look of pain, and he tried to get back up, either to fight back or to run away, but he could only struggle to his feet before he fell back down to the ground.

As if on instinct, Shadow ran towards the monster that tried to kill Sonic, and he bashed it on the head with the street sign. As soon as it was down, he beaten it mercilessly, hatred filling in his eyes until the monster let out a screech as it died at last.

Shadow turned to face Sonic, who smiled at the black hedgehog for saving his life. "Thanks, buddy..." Sonic groaned, still in pain from the attack the monster had given him.

Shadow's hatred-filled eyes turned back to disgust, and he gritted his teeth before answering, "Don't call me 'buddy'."

All it elicited from Sonic was a chuckle.

 _I hate myself...I hate myself…_

Those three words continued in his head.

 _I hate myself...I hate myself…_

Even though he succeeded in unlocking his memories, the pain of Maria's death and his lack of purpose still remained fresh. He _still_ remembered Maria's last smile—that beautiful smile—and the blood that pooled around her body. He still remembered how he failed to protect her. He felt useless, weak, _hopeless_. All he could think was:

 _I hate myself...I hate myself...I hate myself…_

As he approached the cliff, he sighed, smelling the saltwater air. His ears perked up from the sounds of the waves hitting the hard, rocky surface of the cliff below him. It was the best place to do _it_.

To _end it all_.

 _I hate myself...I hate myself...I hate myself...I hate myself…_

He had failed. He had failed to save Maria. He had no purpose to be here. What good would he be in this world? He continued to walk towards the cliff, and that same thought was louder in his head.

 _I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF…_

Shadow gritted his teeth as his feet was much closer to the ledge. This was it. There was no turning back. His mind continued to echo the same three words over and over:

 _I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF…I HATE MYSELF…_

With one last sigh, he held his arms out, ready to dive into the treacherous waters that could spell doom for him.

"Sayonara, Maria..."

 _I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE MYSELF—_

Before he could dive off of the cliff, he felt a hand touching his shoulder. Shadow jumped in surprise, and he turned to see who was trying to stop him from ending it all.

To his shock, it was Sonic, who had a somber smile on his face.

"Hey, buddy," Sonic spoke in such a soft voice. Shadow never heard of that tone of voice from _Sonic_ of all people. He stared at Sonic's emerald eyes, wondering what he wanted to the point of interrupting his attempted suicide.

"What are you doing out here?" Sonic asked, his smile still on his face. Even though it would be deemed as inappropriate to many, Shadow noticed one thing about that smile—it was comforting, relaxing actually. His smile put him at ease, and all he could do was stare at his mouth. How would that one expression— _one—_ change someone else?

Before Shadow realized it, Sonic pulled him away from the cliff, and he embraced him into a tight, but gentle hug.

"Shadow, buddy," Sonic whispered in his ear. "Don't hide this from me. Tell me what's up."

Right then and there, Shadow sobbed in Sonic's arms. It was consolidating—being in the faker's arms as he sobbed in Sonic's shoulder.

"There, there," Sonic whispered, patting Shadow on the back. "It's gonna be okay."

Shadow said nothing as he continued to sob in Sonic's arms. To him, it felt like hours—maybe even an eternity—being in his arms. He wanted it to stay that way forever. However, things had to come to an end, and eventually Sonic let him go.

"Shadow," Sonic began. "Don't bottle all that up. And don't even _think_ about pulling such a stunt like that again!"

Shadow's eyes widened. Sonic...cared about him? All this time, Shadow had hurt him—framing him for something Shadow had done himself to where he attacked Sonic multiple times—yet Sonic still cared for him like he was a close friend of his.

He realized that he had a new purpose—Sonic.

And for once, Shadow smiled.

* * *

 **Constructive criticism is welcomed!**


End file.
